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Short Funny Quotes Biography
Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…

The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

Beauty is a light switch away……………..

Evening news is where they start by saying “Good Evening” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.

there are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who cant

when life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone eles who life handed them vodka and have a party

if Barbie is so popular then y do we buy her friends and boyfriends?

“GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections.

Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.

Those who throw dirt only lose ground

You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother

Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest

hey occifer i swear to drunk im not as god as you think i am

This sentence is a lie.

Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!

Change is good, but dollars are better.

How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder

everyone hates me because I'm paranoid

Solution to 2 of the world’s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.

You laugh because I’m different…I laugh cause I just farted!

whoever said nothing is impposible, never tried slamming a revolving door!!!

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver

When life gives you melons… you might be dyslexic !

There’s no I in Team, yeah but there is in WIN

Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!

Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt … wakes up with a stinky finger!

Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!

The only good thing about going bra-less at my age is that it pulls the wrinkles right out of my face.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.